I'm trying not to idealize the future. I see all these great things up ahead...like the day when I'm totally over my break-up, Christmas break, when we go on vacation to Cape Hatteras, convention this summer, the Engle reunion, then hopefully teaching in Japan or Arizona or Russia...
But I don't want to live for my future. I'd say it's better than living in the past, but I still need to buckle down and find joy in the here and now. And I do that. I just don't do it 100% of the time. I am a positive person. But sometimes I'm not as positive and forgiving and kind as I want to be.
What would happen if I was excited to go to school tomorrow? If I was pumped like a pep rally? If I just couldn't wait to see the high-schoolers? I don't dread it, but I don't have that much passion. I do have to admit this world history stuff is getting more interesting.. sorry, I'm just not that interested in Rome, but Africa, Mesoamerica, and Russia are pretty fascinating. But high school is NOT better than middle school. Why do people say "bless your heart" when you say you're teaching middle school, but they don't say that when you're teaching high school? It's harder.
Most of the time I do enjoy where I'm at. I have a lot of blessings. But when time stands still for a second and that memory hits you.. or you have a dream about someone you feel hateful towards.. it makes you feel a little depressed. I'm not just talking about the breakup. It's just that sometimes you think life should be more.
I don't really want to fall in love again. Of course I still fantasize about meeting the perfect guy in my mind, and I sing along passionately to Taylor Swift songs. But right now I can't handle the vulnerability.. the time.. all that a relationship needs. I'm angry, distrustful, and would rather just avoid the pain, thanks. Plus you're stronger when you're on your own.
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