In life, everything can change so fast.
Last month, my mother was planning to come on a trip to see me in Korea.
A week before, the trip was canceled. Two tumors were found in her brain. Surgery was scheduled.
So we changed plans, and I flew back for a week, along with my sister who also lives abroad, and we were there with her before and during the surgery.
A week later, back in Korea, news came that it was cancer.
And not the cancer I was thinking, where after chemo your hair grows back and life returns, more or less.
But the kind where the doctor says she has 1 or 2 years left to live.
A 10% chance she'll make it past 5 years.
And last month, my mom was planning to come on a trip to see me in Korea......
I cry because after hearing this news I made the decision to leave Korea, this land that I love, where I fit so well. Not forever but for an indefinite amount of time.
I cry to leave my church, my friends, all my stuff.
That's not an easy transition on it's own.
But when I think about my mom...
Or my dad...
The tears, the feelings...
are like nothing I've felt before.
Yet I know I'm not even feeling much yet.
My mind can't grasp this. It's mostly focused on moving.
I'm thankful for 27 years with my mom.
My PERFECT mom. So loving, so supportive, so wise.
So smart, so beautiful.
I can't FATHOM that she may leave my life soon.
That she never came to the country that stole my heart.
My sisters hope and pray for much more time with her, and I do too, but as the sister who lived abroad with no "return date," I needed to think realistically. If my mom only has a few years left, I must be there with her.
I return December 24. I'll get to spend Christmas with my whole family for the first time in 5 years. Then I will begin grad school in the spring, with plans to sub in the local schools or do some type of work.
I feel like I've just entered the world of real suffering. All people experience suffering, and before you enter the world of "real suffering," your suffering is painful and very real to you. But now, I feel like all the things that brought me pain and struggle in the past don't seem bad at all now. It feels like my pain is on a whole new level now. Since I haven't processed much of this yet, I haven't felt the full extent of the pain. I think my focus on the challenge of moving distracts me from the real pain.
Trusting God...because the alternative seems worse.
Last month, my mother was planning to come on a trip to see me in Korea.
A week before, the trip was canceled. Two tumors were found in her brain. Surgery was scheduled.
So we changed plans, and I flew back for a week, along with my sister who also lives abroad, and we were there with her before and during the surgery.
A week later, back in Korea, news came that it was cancer.
And not the cancer I was thinking, where after chemo your hair grows back and life returns, more or less.
But the kind where the doctor says she has 1 or 2 years left to live.
A 10% chance she'll make it past 5 years.
And last month, my mom was planning to come on a trip to see me in Korea......
I cry because after hearing this news I made the decision to leave Korea, this land that I love, where I fit so well. Not forever but for an indefinite amount of time.
I cry to leave my church, my friends, all my stuff.
That's not an easy transition on it's own.
But when I think about my mom...
Or my dad...
The tears, the feelings...
are like nothing I've felt before.
Yet I know I'm not even feeling much yet.
My mind can't grasp this. It's mostly focused on moving.
I'm thankful for 27 years with my mom.
My PERFECT mom. So loving, so supportive, so wise.
So smart, so beautiful.
I can't FATHOM that she may leave my life soon.
That she never came to the country that stole my heart.
My sisters hope and pray for much more time with her, and I do too, but as the sister who lived abroad with no "return date," I needed to think realistically. If my mom only has a few years left, I must be there with her.
I return December 24. I'll get to spend Christmas with my whole family for the first time in 5 years. Then I will begin grad school in the spring, with plans to sub in the local schools or do some type of work.
I feel like I've just entered the world of real suffering. All people experience suffering, and before you enter the world of "real suffering," your suffering is painful and very real to you. But now, I feel like all the things that brought me pain and struggle in the past don't seem bad at all now. It feels like my pain is on a whole new level now. Since I haven't processed much of this yet, I haven't felt the full extent of the pain. I think my focus on the challenge of moving distracts me from the real pain.
Trusting God...because the alternative seems worse.
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